You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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