Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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