my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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