Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
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