Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
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I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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