Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.