at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
