3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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