he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
