If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
