Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
