Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
