Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
