Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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