what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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