In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
