My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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