Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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