Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
