Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
