Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
