So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
