Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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