She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
