Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
