The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
