Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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