Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
