My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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