Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
