i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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