I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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