Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
