you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
