remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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