it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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