if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
