Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
