you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
