the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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