He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize
