I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
