I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
as a side note pls kill me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
