Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
