VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
