She went from zero to smokin in five shots
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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