I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
