What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
