Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
