just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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