I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
