I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
