there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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