I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
