I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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