so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
