im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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