I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
