she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
