The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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