i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
