They should really pass out barf bags in church
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
