while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
